I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
