he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
