i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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