"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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