I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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