I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
