I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
