a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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