I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
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