Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
