"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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