you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
