I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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