uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
