I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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