saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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