I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Randomize
