i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
