I wanna bring you to show and tell
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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