Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
