operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
