I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
