mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
