Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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