why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Randomize
