i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
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Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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