Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
