The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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