I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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