I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
