i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
