Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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