I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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