Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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