bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
