My balls are so social today.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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