She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
