Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
