Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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