I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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