I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Green mimosas i think yes
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
