i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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