Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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