you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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