I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
