wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
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It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
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I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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