I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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