I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
