she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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