glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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