I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
