I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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