he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
