you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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