The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
