Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
