Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
